Anxious and Uncomfortable Has Really Been My Home Base

Marc Maron: I don't want to be one of those people that holds onto the things that make me feel bad about myself in order to keep moving forward.

But, like all those people that judge people or just self-destructive artists maintaining that lifestyle in order to be creative — like, I never really bought that until I realized that it's not something you maintain out of choice. It's something that actually happens inside of you, a pattern, an emotional pattern that runs deeper than your consciousness.

So that awareness might yield something funny. But I'm happy to say that I was right — that it's not a choice to maintain. But it's something, well, not unlike addiction that — you know, my comfort zone is uncomfortable. And it has been my entire life.

That being sort of anxious and uncomfortable has really been my home base innately. And I don't know how to change that. And that's really the challenge for me now because some part of me wants to appreciate and find some joy and some happiness in life because I'm told it doesn't last forever...

I have a very hard time with things, you know, just being quiet. Like, if I sit alone, you know, for ten minutes with nothing happening, you know, which I guess some people would call meditating, I just lose my mind. I'm, like — how does anyone deal with this horrible silence and awareness that everything's almost over?

I do not know how to do it. Like, even if I'm just eating. Or I'll sit down in front of my TV. I'll watch TV. I'll play guitar. And I'll eat, like, at the same time. Like, it's just, like, everything's always going all the time. And when it gets really quiet - when I actually have a moment to go, like — wow, let's take a look at the life. Everything's going pretty good. And then within seconds, I'm like, oh, this is so uncomfortable. You know, it's just uncomfortable.

Terry Gross: I think meditation is about trying to overcome that feeling.

Marc: I know. I'm going to try to do it. Like, I downloaded an app. I'm set up.

Terry: Oh, seriously?

Marc: I haven't engaged yet. I was brought through a five-minute meditation the other day. I've tried to do in my life. I understand it. Like, I think I can do it. And I understand there's these amazing benefits to it. But, like, I don't know. By time I try to meditate, I've already had, like, a pot of coffee — and, you know, three nicotine lozenges. My brain, like, you know — when they say when you, you know, — what is it? When you see thoughts, just visualize them as passing. I'm like — see them? I'm living them. I can't — I can't turn off...

Like, I think I want to do things differently. And I want to feel the things that everyone says are so rewarding, you know, like joy, happiness, being loved and giving love. They're all very alien to me. And I'm going to try to make those things happen or at least sit in those things for a little bit of time to see if everyone's telling the truth.